sieze and persist!

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot write" then by all means write, and that voice will be silenced < paraphrased from Vincent Van Gough's journals

Past few days, I find that I need to drag myself to write. I say to myself, maybe I'm not really cut out to be a writer?...maybe i'm better off just doing what i do best?...visualizing the words...bringing internal and abstract ideas to real palpable life...

But, lame is the director who does not challenge his mind to use his imagination and create stories!...will he spend his whole life interpretting other people's scripts?

I think maybe I'm just distracted with other "life issues" - career concerns, matters of the ego, financial needs and wants,...ugh. God please release me from these futile bondages!

I need to write now!

I need to persist.

I need to fulfill this for him^.

Money, God..at buhay freelance

I woke up today thinking of the common things in life...BILLS...I realize that I have to crack open my hard-kept savings soon becasue i need to meet next months needs. While I am always thankful that I am never without, and that I even have the luxury of savings, I am often apprehensive about touching what i'm keeping for the future, but, at a certain point, we just have to.

Hayup! ang bilis ng pera! kahit pa lahat ng gastos nasa lugar, ang bilis pa rin!

As I contemplated and conciously tried to make all the fear go away, these thoughts spilled onto my journal:

God is the source of all.

What is given to you is meant to just flow through you. It is not meant to be stored and ammassed so you can enjoy it someday. It is meant to be enjoyed NOW towards living, loving, and giving. It is meant to help you live a good life the way God intends for you to live - ABUNDANTLY!

Ofcourse it flows out quickly! Because its coming from a great source and is intended to flow though you and on to others! It's not meant to stop with you! You are blessed so you can bless others, who can bless others and so on...If you put a stop to the flow, naturally the source will have to stop pouring into your pool! you will simply drown! and he knows that drowining in too much is never good for anyone.

I should stop worrying. Period.

LIVE. LOVE. GIVE.

and as long as his blessings are spent on good things, we should be ok.

Hay, buhay freelance :) masarap na mahirap :) parang life :)

Star ka ba?

Lately i've learned not to take my life all too seriously. I still hold on to my dreams. I still passionately work towards realizing them, I still give every job my best shot but i've realized that life will be the way God planned it to be - a series of problem solving situations and waiting tests. As to why we need to go through so much to find our peace is beyond me. I just revert to thinking they're meant to make me stronger and wiser.

Simple-minded thinking? I guess, but then the simple-minded ones are those that easily find their peace right? besides, I believe that simplicity is good, its igonrance that we should avoid.

But, being back in Manila for two weeks now, I'm starting to feel that "rat race mentality" again. I dont know why I only feel it here but when I talk to people, I really feel that everyone's out to outdo each other. Those on the top of the wheel gloat, others in the middle get fired up, some pretend to be strong, the ones in the bottom do nothing but compalin. One thing common to most - depression.

So, today, i had to remind myself of some things...

No matter How good you are at what you do, there will always be someone better, more brilliant, and "savvier" than you. Accept that! There will even be the crap of the crop who seem to be beating you in the race! It's sad, it's real. But to keep your eyes on them is to slow down your own progress! To even turn your head to see if they are shinning brighter or moving faster is a waste of time! Like life itself, Every creative person's journey is personal and unique. In the memorable words of my dear friend Migs, "Some are bright shooting stars who shine brilliantly and fast...then there are those constellations that take centuries to develop". keep your eyes on your own canvas, look around only to be inspired by the brilliance of others, without the stain of envy or jelousy. Then with great passion and unceasing enthusiasm, keep moving towards that dream that God himself has planted in your heart. Take it easy. Theres no need to hurry the process because haste makes waste. In good time, your passion will shine...and even if fame or fortune evades you, Don't fret, one day you will find you peace in being a shinning constellation forever, while the shooting stars have inevitably fizzled out.

I will finish this script. it will be done well.

I will make another movie. I will do better than my last one.

But I will live out my own journey as God wills it...in his own time...for his own purposes.

*Photo : I took this at the Fringe Arts festival in Edinburgh 2007. This boy was an important inspiration. His selfless passion for what he was doing was moving.

LONDON home for now

Were staying at a flat in West Kensington that is of my distant cousin-in-law Gina’s. She’s gracious to have us. Now a jewelry designer (who has been chosen to exhibit at the London fashion week this year), I had known her since the 70’s as the eccentric fag-haggy one who has lived in London most of her adult life but I never really knew till now that she is an artist herself and, true to being an artist, an incessant pack rat with a flat full of interesting books, cds, magazines, paintings and rummaged artifacts. Going through her flat is a bit like going through Lola’s old baul with curious things that all have a story. There is no order to anything, No symmetry to arrangements, but it’s thick with character. Ito yata yung tinatawag ni mareng Marlon na shabby chic? Our host left the flat to us as she is in Paris at the moment and may head on to Umbria for the summer daw. God, please stop me from re-decorating this flat! I might get evicted!

This is home for 8 weeks…mighty fine.

Good room. Great kitchen.Place to study. Peace and quite. God provides :)

LONDON blurred arrival

Arrived London early morning of the 2nd and quite frankly, everythings a blur. I'm here to take up a 6 week course on screenwriting at the LONDON ACADEMY FOR FILM AND TV...just sharpening my pen while i go on holiday ;) Incidentally, mah bubba is also taking up a course in make up for TV and Film :)

First impressions? Not stunning but buzzing with life :)

So, heto na...God save the queen!

PS. wish ko sana na hindi isipin ng mga nakaka-basa dito na napaka-yaman ko...pinag ipunan ko po itong trip na ito ng dalawang taon :) kahit ano naman makakamit sa konting bawas-labas :)

SEX and GOD

Sexuality sits on the lap of the soul, deep in the deepest chamber of our being. It is the precious offspring of the heart and soul, the symbol of their capacity to express love. Like a precious Child, a gift from God, It is not something that can be abandoned, denied, or exchanged for another! Rather, It must be nurtured and allowed to express itself freely, to reach it's fullest! Nevertheless, however, It should not be allowed to lose its way nor, worse, given away carelessly, for it is a precious God-given gift made for the purpose of expressing his will of FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE.

So please, My zealous Christian brothers and sisters, do not tell me that in order to be right with God and receive eternal salvation, I have to deny myself of my true sexuality?! I have to Ignore the true emotions That have been born in the deepest recesses of my self? and pretend to be what you call "normal"? Might I kill the myth now, For most cases, BEING GAY IS NOT A MATTER OF CHOICE! THIS IS NOT A DEFIANCE OF NORM! NOT A REBELLION AGAINST SOCIETY AND GOD! I, for one, have clearly realized that I am gay not by a conscious choice I made at some point in my life but by God’s will! YES! GOD'S WILL! Who else could have determined hormonal predisposition but our creator! Who else could have allowed environmental influences but our creator! Therefore, not one of you mortal and fallible zealots can tell me that God is displeased with me for being the way he created me to be?! neither can you claim that I am under the influence of the devil. If you have not yet realized, God is perfect! One, He will not create something and then, years after, frown and say, “hmm, you’re a mistake so ill have to throw you into the fire”.Two, He will not allow any of those he loves to be under the cruel influence of the devil! God is bigger and mightier than anything! My dear brothers and sisters, Please, know OUR God more! Not only in form but also in substance!

I urge you zealots, review the basic precepts of Christianity,thoroughly and deeply, leaving out man-made rules and prejudiced beliefs, See that it's pure essence simply says that God's love is sooo deep that he has the unfathomable capacity to accept us for who we are, and, That the reason why Christ died on the cross was to allow us to be ourselves as we are without the burden of guilt (from the law)...in order for us to concentrate on loving him, loving others, and living a good life according to his unique purposes for us.

You always throw the line, “Let the old die and the new you arise, for with Christ’s death, your old self has died too”. Might I stress, my being gay is not my “old self”, It is my true self – always have been always will be. What God meant about our “old self” were the evils that developed in our early immaturities – selfishness, pride, lust, greed, and all that does not agree with his ultimate will of LOVE. Why of course I am most willing to turn from all that is evil! Of course my aim in life is to evolve into the kind of person God wants me to be! Of course I aim to turn from my former irresponsible ways! But do not tell me that with all that I must throw my sexuality into the trash bin too! My sexuality is not sin! In the same way that yours is not! It only becomes so when we use it to abuse! Pardon my humanity but I cannot deny the world around me of the truth. I cannot live a lie. I know God would be more displeased about that. I dare you staunch gay Christians to turn from your sexuality, pretend you don’t feel the things that you feel, marry a woman if you please! I will respect you for your bravery! And I know that God will appreciate your effort. But when all is said and done, lets talk in heaven and see if that was all that necessary. I may be proven wrong but hey, while I’m here, I’d rather live imperfectly in truth, than live pretending to be perfect.

Please do not use God to escape from your true self.

With God , WE are free to be who we really are. WE ARE INCLUDED IN HIS PLAN.

In awe of HIM ^

It's taking a while to sink in but I do have the statuette, patterned after Rosa Rosal's firgure, standing proudly on my desk to pinch me and reassure me that this is not a dream.

Yes, I got the big golden trophy on my first film! and our film garnered the most awards in this years most coveted FAMAS AWARDS! amazing. God is trully amazing.

I was not in the awards night :( I did not think i would win anyway! So That evening I was actually with my partner and my family. We had just visited the family niche in St, James Cathedral in Alabang and spent the afternoon there chatting in front of our beloved departed between silent prayers. In the meantime rume-red carpet na pala ang mga famas nominees! Then, just when my partner and I were about to go home, I recieved a text from the star cinema promo people asking whether I was going to the awards night. I simply said NO. I got a text back which said, " ok po direk, watch na lang po kayo sa channel 4". So, at home, i popped open a bottle of white, got bare to my undies and slouched on the couch while my partner went off to his room to tinker with his PC (thats how he relaxes).

From where i was watching, the ceremony was a night of GLITCH and GLAMOUR! more GLITCH than GLAMOUR actually. So, honestly, at first, I was not all that excited nor honored about it. But as the cameras scanned the room, i began to notice faces of the cinema royalty i knew like tita mids, and eddie gracia! plus respectable actors and jurors! i said, "hmmmm, may K yata itu". Then the tension started when i noticed that, as the major awards were being announced, my film was bagging most of them! Which logically lead me to the feeling, "baka manalo rin ako?". Just when they were announcing the best director, I was standing in front of myTV, holding a bottle of white wine in my undies looking like a pervert who got off on awards. My partner, upon hearing that they were announcing the nominees for my category, comes into the room (also in his undies) ready to hug me and console me if my name was not called as winner. I remember clutching on to the wine bottles neck so tightly when i heard, " and the winner is...Cholo Laurel for Nasaan ka man". Picture this > Two gay men in their undies hugging, kissing, screaming and jumping up and down in front of their TV. Sounds like a holywood gay film.

Later on that night, we bagged even the best picture award. One of the biggest sweeps in Satr cinema history.

My phone has not stopped ringing since then.

I am reminded of a wish i whispered to God in my prayers sometime ago, "Father, Is this really my calling? if it is, please give me a slight pat on the back? ... even just a bit of an acknowledgement form my peers." I got a GAWAD TANGLAW citation and that was good for me. But God has a way of really laying it out clearly in front of you when he wants you to know his mission for you...thus...this. Amazing.

I read the following fatcs about FAMAS in wikipedia.

I am in awe.

My first effort, and I am placed amongst these great people whom I respect and look up to.

ika nga ni Maria kay von trapp, “ I must have done something good”.

WIKIPEDIA on FAMAS

The FAMAS Awards is one of the four main film awards of the Philippines. It is given by the Filipino Academy of Movie Arts and Sciences, which is an independent award-giving body composed of notable writers and movie columnists. The awards are doled out annually since 1952, which makes it the oldest film industry award-giving body in the Philippines and in Asia (the oldest in the Kinema Junpo Awards of the Japanese film critics).

WINNERS

BEST DIRECTOR:

Director
1952 Gerardo de Leon
1953 Lamberto V. Avellana
1954 Cesar Gallardo
1955 Gregorio Fernandez
1956 Ramon Estela
1957 Cesar Gallardo
1958 Gerardo de Leon
1959 Jose de Villa
1960 Gerardo de Leon
1961 Gerardo de Leon
1962 Gerardo de Leon
1963 Armando de Guzman
1964 Lamberto V. Avellana
1965 Gerardo de Leon
1966 Eddie Romero
1967 Fely Crisostomo
1968 Cirio H. Santiago
1969 Eddie Garcia
1970 Lino Brocka
1971 Gerardo de Leon
1972 Augusto Buenaventura
1973 Jun Raquiza
1974 Lino Brocka
1975 Lino Brocka
1976 Lupita Kasiwahara
1977 Augusto Buenaventura
1978 Celso Ad. Castillo
1979 Lino Brocka
1980 Eddie Romero
1981 Augusto Buenaventura
1982 Eddie Garcia
1983 Marilou Diaz - Abaya
1984 Fernando Poe, Jr. [as Ronwaldo Reyes]
1985 Celso Ad. Castillo
1986 Eddie Garcia
1987 Eddie Garcia
1988 Elwood Perez
1989 Eddie Garcia and Elwood Perez
1990 Lino Brocka
1991 Elwood Perez
1992 Carlos Siguion - Reyna
1993 Augusto Salvador
1994 Carlo J. Caparas
1995 Fernando Poe, Jr. [as Ronwaldo Reyes]; Willie Milan
1996 Antonio Jose Perez
1997 Amable Aguiluz
1998 Marilou Diaz - Abaya
1999 Marilou Diaz - Abaya
2000 Laurice Guillen
2001 Marilou Diaz - Abaya
2002 Gil Portes
2003 Maryo J. de los Reyes
2004 Maryo J. de los Reyes

NO, not mine but Christ's victory…thru me.

All credit to HIM ^

“Nasaan ka man” sweeps the FAMAS!

The Filipino Academy of Movie Arts and Sciences awarded Cholo H. Laurel’s debut film “Nasaan ka man” most of its major awards in the 54th FAMAS awards night last November 12, 2006.

Among other awards garnered this year, Laurel’s film won this year’s most coveted FAMAS for

Best Actress – Claudine Baretto

Best supporting actress – Hilda Koronel

Best Story – Rafael Hidalgo

Best screenplay – Ricky Lee and Rafael Hidalgo

Best cinematography – Charlie Peralta

Best Director – Cholo Laurel

And

Best picture of the year 2006 – Nasaan ka man

When i finished that film last year, All i asked God for was a little pat on the shoulder for giving it my best...I got a big fat kiss :)

God is trully an answering God.

A painful memory

It was the break of autumn when we spent a weekend at the Faller’s home in the Hamptons. It was a special time. I remember this particular afternoon, driving down to the beach with the objective of just being with the kids.

Between the kids and myself, we have always had a very warm relationship thats just right. Not too mushy, not too cold. Just right. But this afternoon was unusually quiet. Even the ocean, which is normally our place of joy and laughter, seemed too still and all I could hear were our feet dragging on the sand, even the sound of waves seemed far from us. There were attempts at laughter but the cold autumn wind must have frozen our ability to do so heartily.

At a certain point it was strange. To avoid the emotional discomfort, I clicked away with my camera, giving the kids a reason to smile, even for just one moment. Even just for show. But the waves just seemed speechless and the ocean just lay there, too still for comfort.

Nikki tried. She pranced around.

Paolo tried to kid.

Matisse, being the transparent boy that he is, was silent in his thoughts.

I just kept quiet.

It was the break of autumn when we spent a weekend at the Faller's home in the Hampton's. It was a special time. I remember this particular afternoon...after we had buried the ashes of my sister - Nikki and Paolo's Mom, Matisse's aunt, our beloved Aimee...there were attempts at laughter but the cold autumn wind must have frozen our ability to do so heartily.

I'm really lost

I hastily entitled this blog LOST IN MY HOMETOWN almost a year ago when I started it. At that time I really didn't know what it meant to me except that I felt that at that point in time, I wanted to move on...Doing more movies? Another location? Another life? In short, that title didn't mean much.

BUT, today I deem it uncanny that it seems to be a really apt title for how I feel about my life here in Manila - I'm home but I feel lost.

I wonder why I am more in my elements when I'm abroad?

My happiest and most fulfilling moments in life have been during my travels.

My most victorious shoots (for ads) have been abroad.

I am most relaxed when walking a street I know nothing of.

I find it most enjoyable when I'm talking to someone I have just met and belongs to a totally different world.

I am most inspired outside of my own realm. Abroad.

Is it simply because there I am not faced with the issues of home? You see, when IM there, I know it's a temporary stay and so I take things as they come. I have work to do, I work. I have nothing to do, I lounge. I have too much to do, I do em and do em well. At the end of the day, I take a good meal, relax and not think of other issues in my life primarily because I cannot do anything about them (well, being away from home and all). Done. Next. Life seems easier. BUT, Here at home, Everyday I am faced with issues about the house, the kids, expenses, mortgages, my career in Philippine movies, love life (or the lack of it), Even "nothing to do" is a strain because I want something to do to keep my thoughts away from the realities! whew!

Or is it also because I feel more appreciated by my creative peers abroad than here in my own country? There, creative directors from all over the world LOVE the work I do for them and they express it through constancy of works! Here, I feel like I'm last priority or pahabol na request. Is this feeling valid? Maybe I'm being silly and depressed?

The truth is, I drive the streets feeling like I shouldn't be here. Like there must be a better place for me. I feel like being in a cleaner place, a more orderly place, a more developed place, a more productive atmosphere. Or am I being silly and depressed?

I think I'm just depressed.

God willing, I may not feel like this about my beloved home by tomorrow?

Who knows.

Digital-happy

I had my old film Photographs digitized and I'm soooo happy. Now I can share them:) Looking at them again brings me back to the time when my only preoccupation was to absorb the world. Angst-filled times but full of learnings. Fresh out of school, Central Park, New York

Quiet time, a breezy night, good company and fireworks is all it takes:)

I thought that I was falling into a bad spell of what Winston Churchill called the "black dog". That dog scares the hell out of me! I'm reminded of days spent sitting overanalysing life and sinking deeper and deeper into a sorry state. In my 30's, I had spells that lasted for months! Spells that called for a shrink. Futile. Futile depression.

I first suspected that the dog was in the premises just a few days before coming back to Manila. I woke up, after a naughty night, lethargic and my levels of insecurity were fever high. Not my usual self, believe me. I tried shooing it away by sweating it out at the gym but a muscle work out cant cure a malaise of the soul. The soul is too deep.

Arriving home in Manila cured it for a while. Being with Monina and getting the house ready for the holidays got my mind off things. For a bit of time only. And then when the excitement of "welcome home!" died down, there it was again, strutting into my senses determined to drag me down. One morning, in it's fiercest attack, I felt fluish, I didn't want to get up and see anybody, and when I thought of having to go out and meet people, all I could see in my mind were insincere faces. Awful. Unexplainable.

Seeing Wanggo was elixir. That night, no matter how a certain matter turned out, was a sure winner that week. The moon was bright, the wine was good, and as usual, the conversation was anything but boring. It was also a great to have a heart to heart talk with an old friend chico. But, the next morning, there it was again. Worse than ever.

I had to get down on my knees and dig deep for the peace I needed at that point. I had to ask God. I had to beg. Fervently.

I got the answers. He always has one. It was about WANT & NEED.

after mass last Sunday, where many questions were answered (or had been there all the time except I couldn't get the point!) I met up with Chico, Farrah, and good ol' Topper. There was something about that night. It didn't tingle with too much sensation but just proceeded with so much silent warmth. The kind of warmth I needed. The breeze was wonderful and the fireworks display made me smile quietly.

Sometimes, we chew too much on our WANTS Like a dog would uselessly chew on a dry bone. We allow ourselves to be consumed by our dreams and what we feel we need in order to have JOY. We go around telling ourselves and the world, "I will only be happy if______ I have this, I get that, i achieve al that" In truth, WANT is like a dry bone! No matter how much you chew on it, you wont get meat out of it.

"If your ship never comes in, If your dream never comes true, If the situation never changes, could you be happy? "

I've thrown that dry bone as far as I could and the ghastly black dog has chased after it :) and although I still have certain longings in my heart, I wake up each day...Free.

Thank God.

*a boy's pout at beauty of venice, 2005

The Lady of Saigon wept

Half past nine last Saturday night, I was still at the creperie updating my blog. Suddenly my heart starts to pound heavily for no reason. Thinking it may have been because i've had to much café da, I packed up and rushed to my hotel. On my way, I noticed there was an unusual crowd on the streets, especially towards the cathedral, but decided to ignore the incident and hurry to get dressed to meet my staff for a drunken Halloween celebration.

In my hotel room, I jumped into the shower, scrubbed up every part possible, slipped into my sexiest low-rise jeans, a crisp white dress shirt and my classic “alpha man” leather shoes, ready to glow in the dark. The palpitations persisted. I was wondering why.

On a cab, en route to the club district, there was mammoth traffic by the cathedral area. I figured maybe an accident? Or Maybe a Halloween concert? who knows. So, I gestured to the driver to take another route.

I got to the SAMSARA club that was packed with all sorts of hungry gay men. I strangely felt ill at ease. I stretched my neck looking for my friends but none to be found. I ordered vodka and stood by a group of oggling brown men. Suddenly I heard someone speaking in tagalog! I looked at this person and noticed he had just come into the club and looked really shaken. Speaking to the other pinoys in the room, he tried to hide his emotion but it was obvious, “hala! Andito tayo habang lumuluha ang birehng Maria sa Cathedral!” I pretended not to hear as they huddled. I have always been cynical about these Marian phenomena but for some strange reason I was a bit shaken by this news. So that explains the traffic and the crowd gathering! Would it also have been the reason why my heart was pounding? It started to bother me. After a few minutes and a vodka, I got impatient and left the club. I moved on to the Q bar to see whether my friends were there. Still none. Fortunately, I bumped into some flight attendants whom I had known way back. So, The party commenced. Less than an hour had passed when my friends finally appeared! Both looking extremely flushed. Mio was quick to break the news, “ we took a look at the crying virgin.” I Looked at them demanding for news and knew from their faces that they had seen something quite spectacular. After their vivid account, I asked Mio, whom I knew was a Christian, “ as a Christian, what do you think?” He was quick to answer, “ Whatever it is, it just tells us that we should pray”. Now that got to me! Not that I don’t, because I do, But because if the world was ending tonight, id want to be in manila. I looked at Joji for other answers but he was in one corner, weeping, “This is a wake up call for me”. I stood there stunned. At that moment I wanted to leave the club and see the crying lady. I made my way out with the two guys but suddenly friends and colleagues started showing up looking too pleased to see me. I was practically cornered and showered with drinks. Debauchery took over.

The next day, Sunday, I woke up with the worst hang over and a vague recollection of how I got through the night. I had only one thing in mind though as I dragged myself out of bed – Go and see the weeping lady.

Under a slight drizzle, I walked to the square in shorts and a Tee. The sky was grey and boy did it really feel like judgment day! As I worked my way through the crowd of thousands, my heart pounded like it did the night before, and then there she was. I stared at her face, my vision trying to zoom into her cheek. Yes there were marks of tears running down her cheeks on to her neck. I stood there and cynically studied it. Quite honestly, It wasn’t moving me the slightest bit. But, upon shifting my gaze from her cheeks to the crowd around me, I was stunned by the crowd’s reaction to it! Every man, woman, and child stared at her face in utter awe, teary-eyed and chanting Vietnamese songs of praise. It was what moved me. I had the urge to sing with them so I may join the voices that were being heard in heaven but I didn’t know the words so I shut my eyes and just lifted my heart, drifting with the melody of their chants.

The rain started to pour as I opened my eyes. I looked at the grey clouds beyond the statue and asked, “What’s this all about?”

Ok, maybe it was bird shit? Maybe it was acid? I don’t know… but I walked away knowing…

Knowing that whatever it is, the effect is what’s important. If it will take something like this to keep on reminding the world that there exists a spiritual world beyond our shallowness, so be it. If it takes a tear in this lady’s cheek to know that God wants some attention, so be it.

Because we need it. We are so deafened by life's noise. We need to be reminded to be still and know that He is God.

The palaces and gardens of the past

The monuments to man's vanities do not impress me...
as much as the secret gardens...
The staircases that lead...
...the cobbled stones, the abandoned rooms, the windows that look out into lonely courtyards. In their corners echo the stroies of generations that have passed. If they could only speak, they would have so much to say about what we deem as true today.

AN UNEXPECTED DELIGHT

The Vienna State Opera
I had come from a long walk around the ring-kai-ring when i decided to stop and see the performance schedules at the opera house. In Vienna, one simply must. Whilst trying to find an english version of the schedule, A woman approaches me and offers me a ticket for that night's performance of Manon Lescaut. Ok who the hell was Manon Lescaut? I really couldnt care after the woman had said that she was willing to give me the ticket for 10 euros! I grabbed it! With no time to go home and slip into a frock ;) I remained casual in my jeans and pullover looking extremely jologs amidst the glitter and glamor but nobody really cared. I was in for an evening of lovely images...


Now can somone tell me who the hell Manon Lescaut was? ;)

WHAT WAS VIENNA LIKE?

Vienna turned out to be a time to really kick back, have a glass of wine, read a good book, and be happy about life. No place to merely be a tourist. Nope, it's too elegant. This city is the epitome of understated elegance, subtle sophistication, and culture. I couldn't help but smile all the time.

A big smile and breakfast in ken's balcony

The morning after a night's stay at the Liechtenstein castle

The oriental room of the Liechtenstein castle

The walls behind me were part of a roman city the Austrians found under the city of Vienna when they were building the underground. Imagine layer upon layer of civilization...yes, relax and know...

Then again, there were the dinners with fine wine and excellent food. Converstaions with novelists, filmmakers, tenors, and pure intellectuals.


Thats Vienna for me, Food for the mind. nourishment for the soul.

BEING IN DISNEY

VIENNA OF PRINCES, PRINCESSES, AND WOUNDED SOLDIERS

The best of times are such.
When an occasional hit of weed and a fine brew brings forth the raw convivial self - Friends babble with intensity, cackle shamelessly and open their hearts to possibilities, fearing no judgment.
The best of times are such.
When princesses shed their vanities, abandoned soldiers forget their sorrows, Intellectuals listen, young men disregard their youth, Aristocrats kiss the earth, and I, a traveler, sit quietly, feeling at home…watching and absorbing every story told, capturing every glance, every smile.
The best of times are such.
Times when we would defensively claim, “I am not myself”,
But know in our hearts that that is indeed our truest selves.

Times when I just sit and wonder,
“Am I in Disney?”



Sebastian
Glances held some mysterious curiosity and smiles secretly slipped through the busy room.

I’m sorry that my hawk eyes kept on staring, but the arrows darted right through the barriers, piercing your supple flesh as well as mine. The pain was irresistible…

And I proceeded with quiet comfort...trying to pull out one arrow at a time, breaking the barriers, finding nothing but wounds that would not heal.



Lemi : The soldier of peace

With shoulders wide as Neptune’s, you stride with such ease.
Your pointed Nordic nose perches awkwardly between your soulful longing eyes.
You laugh sheepishly and drink merrily and somehow I hear the voice of a boy longing.

What is it that you long for soldier? Why does your handsome face beg?
Why behind that boyish grin, your soul cries for a need unknown?

A warm hug?
A lost brother?
Another soul to live for?
Or merely the love of the heart that’s abandoned you?

The longing is palpable.
It’s inescapable.
No te preocupes, It’s universal.

But you smile, you hug generously, you raise your glass and compliment sincerely,
As if life has always been too good to you.
Maybe it has been, in it’s own way.

Oh soldier of peace,
Your demeanor amazes me. For despite this longing that sits on the lap of your wounded soul, you find it in your heart to be sincerely warm, loving, and, yes, seemingly unaffected, like a true soldier of peace.



Kenneth : The man after life’s own heart

Old soul, my dear friend, you are a bundle of contradictions.
Believe me, that is a compliment.

Your heart basks in the city of your affections with its grand palaces and aristocracies but you cannot deny that your soul shall always lay in the hills and valleys of your own past.

You dine and cackle with kings and queens, princes and princesses but find it easy to speak gently to our countrymen who seek your help.

You fill your mind with so much knowledge but know that true wisdom is found in a searching heart.

You live to acquire but know how to give them all up.

You play to the edge
But you know in your soul of souls that you shall one day be answerable to the one who sent you.

You are a bundle of contradictions.

But, My friend, I too have been called a bundle of contradictions. I have embraced that label and ask these questions,

Have they, who judge, enjoyed an unbridled life as much as we have?
Have they learned the lessons we have learned painfully and deeply?
Have they embraced the forgiveness that heaven offers?

In this journey,

Give me a man who claims unfailing righteousness and I will shun him
For he is evil.

Give me a man who admits his struggle and I will follow him after life’s own heart.

DISCOVERING WHY I TRAVEL

En route to Vienna, I remembered something that Pierre had said earlier today, over espressos and cigarettes, about their upcoming 8-month trip to Asia. I don’t remember the exact words but he had said something about not merely jumping into a plane and traveling senselessly. That there be a philosophy behind the journey is vital. I pondered on the thought during pockets of silence in the airport and asked myself, “What is my philosophy in traveling?”

I was pleased that, almost instantly, I had answers…

I travel not just to do what the privileged do or acquire what others have. Too shallow a reason for something so costly.

I don’t do this to add feathers to my hat or make scarp books to show off. Such impressions pass too quickly through people’s minds and sometimes even leave a bitter jealousy in their hearts.

I don’t need to be seen in the shi-shiest of places. Who will see me anyway? The one who feeds me? The one who will deem me worthy in the end? If so, Will it matter?

I don’t need to prove to be an expert in the routes of cities that are not my own. I can only be an expert on my hometown.

Rather, I journey to seek my own peace,

To feel the earth around me and realize that we all live under the same sun,

To watch the world go by with its joys and sorrows painted on faces that are stored in my mind, my library of emotions.
I allow my mind to wander and my spirit to soar beyond the confines of my own realm. Somehow, It fulfills my need to understand things, people, phenomena…my need to hear their stories in order that I may learn not to judge.

I see far off lands, listen to foreign tongues, and gaze at writings I cannot comprehend. I observe, I write, I capture, I sense, I try to relate. Not for mere vanity but rather to sharpen the blade of my identity and return home with a deeper understanding of who I am, where I come from, and who I owe this all to.

LEAVING PARIS

Paris' sense of humor talaga! After making me fall in love, he sees me off with something funny to remember.

From where the taxi took me down, I clumsily negotiated the cobblestone sidewalks beside the Opera Garniere not caring who passed me by or what I was walking on. With a "whew", I boarded the roissybus. I noticed that everyone was looking at me strangely as I loaded my heavy luggage. Not caring and thinking it may be some racist shit, I just picked my window seat and put on my head phones. As I settled into my seat, ready to start my moment (this is the part when one looks out the window of a bus and looks back at the old familiar places with one tear falling on the left cheek). Just when I had worked up a tear, a waft of stink disturbs my moment! My tear retreats! Upset, I look around and realize that the crowd in the bus is still looking at me strangely! One English woman gestures to cover her nose looking at me! I slowly sink, I examine my whole situation, I rewind my mind, and almost instinctively lifted my leg to look at the underside of my sneakers. Great...I stepped on dog shit! A really huge one! Indescribably embarrassed, I hid my sneakers and my dignity under my seat hoping they would just cover their noses. At that moment , the bus was about to leave the city into the suburbs that led to the airport. I could hear Paris' hearty laughter. I sat back and smiled as his voice echoed in my mind, " A revoir!...mon ami!"

Paris has a beautiful church in almost every block. Architectural feats! But thats all they seem to be for many in this city, Just beautiful monuments...empty historical reminders, frequented only by those who realize that they are close to the reality of dealing with their faith.

Where has the faith gone?
What do other generations believe in?
What do they hold on to in the changing seasons?

DEBAUCHERY D'ORSAY

Meet Nero the host

and achilles, "No pictures please!"

Thats Jean Batiste scandalously shouting out to the heathen, "please pass the lube!"

Narcissus who needs to get to the top

...and this is Samson, The usual star of the occassion.
He likes to tie em up...
and spank em...
Yes, he does have an ego problem. Its bigger than his weapon.

feet anyone?

...and , oh yes, thats David in the corner. He always gets into these Post-orgasm guilt trips.

RANDOM AND ACCIDENTAL

et voila...