RANDOM AND ACCIDENTAL

et voila...

THAT WOMAN ON THE BRIDGE

I had been walking for hours just savoring all I could of a perfect afternoon in Paris, the romance was palpable . Crossing the bridge to the Iles St. Louis, I stopped to watch the Seine shimmering in the light of sunset and there she was. She stood still there for the longest time turning her head slightly from time to time, scanning the waters of the river. My presence did not move her. I could not see her face but somehow I felt her tears running down her cheeks. It seemed like forever, she just stared at the river in deep, very deep thought. I could feel her memories.

Is she regretting her life? Or is she thanking God for it? Had she lost her one and only love? Or does she grieve for having lost the opportunity to love? Is she contemplating death? Or is her heart finally at peace?

Life.

Love.

Death.

In the depth of our souls you find only these to contemplate on.

Semetiere Montmartre



I sit and contemplate on the puzzle of tombs beneath me,
allowing nothing about life to distract my thoughts.
I sit and attempt to feel the souls that surround me,
hoping they may whisper the answers that I seek.

Dalida-chanteuse
Edgar Degas-peintiere
Did they wonder as I wonder?


Jacques Offenbach-compositeur
Pierre Ponson du terrail-romancier
Did they question as I do?

Julius Slowacki-poete
Emile Zola-ecrivain
Did they believe till the end?


Francoise Truffaut-cineaste
Henri Georges Clouzot-cineaste
Do they still believe?

Where has their faith brought them?
How has their faith saved them?

Oh Death. He has always enthralled me.
He invites with a smile, becasue he knows he is the way.
The only way to that state where the truth I seek...

is clear.

OH TRUFFAUT

Oh Truffaut
I wonder before your solid grave

How must one think in order to produce greatness as you have?

I close my eyes praying that your soul might touch mine,
so I too may do what I have to do,
and live the way I am meant to live.

I reach out trying to imbibe even just a bit of you.
So I may not waste my mind, my eye, my heart...
so I may be able to leave, upon my own grave,
inspiration for generations...
as you have.

"French gay men...
When they look at you once, they're merely sizing you up.

A second look means they'interested.

A third means they want to get into your pants! badly!

But, they want you to come up to them. They'll neevah make the move.
Feeling.
Parang mga pinoy!"

Bogie Caoili
A pinoy gay man in Paris

A conversation over beer and peanuts at the Open cafe,
les Marais, Paris.

When taking unbeaten paths, Paris has what the Parisiennes call "little pockets of views" - places only they know of, cafes only they have sat in, corners, alleys, and courtyards only they have sulked in...Like little gems hidden in the folds of a velvet spread.

Here he comes!
Et Voila! Happy Birthday Pierre!pardon moi. I got too drunk, i think :( no thanks to magic!

A Letter to Monina

My dear girl,

Travel! Because it is the best way to grow.

Converse with all sorts! because it is the only way to widen your perspective.

Question things! Because it is the only way to deepen your insights.

Never remain in your zone of comfort. Dare to live out of that confined happiness, and you will reach the end of your life happy, learning not to judge, learning to understand.

If I have enough, I will see to it that you do.

If I have enough.

Love,

Tito Cholo

With magic, beer, and good friends

one must take the plunge

Sophistication is effortless.

It is from the freedom of one's mind,
the openness of one's heart,
the depth of one's spirit,
that sophistication emanates.

Pity those who try without these.
Their lack of sophistication shows in their eagerness to look sophisticated.

Oh the joy of friends

It is unthinkable to live in this world without them

Adobo at ensaladang kamatis sa probinsiya

A dinner served under the stars,
Caressed by a cool southern breeze,
and deepened by gracious conversation.

Under that star-lit sky, the white linen glowed,
whilst stories of the past were exchanged.

Now, There are some meals taken in one breath,
many taken without gusto.
Then there are those dinners, like this one,
taken slowly, sparingly,
in between pockets of memorable conversations.


at one point, as we sipped digestif,
We listened to Piaf.
Monique and Andre, with a glint in their eyes, hummed to her tune.
Pierre and Deruelle were in each other's arms.
I smiled to myself,
happy, deeply happy.
knowing we had served our gracious hosts,
not only a good meal, but with one brief moment of joy.

Neules, France
The summer home of the the Kemulas


Oh when life offers its graces!

Weathered stone walls with tales to tell,
unkempt gardens with seasons to bear.

Old chairs,
fresh plums,
blades of grass,
and toys left to rust.

I live for these moments that simmer in time!
No longer needing to measure. Instead, to savor.
Let my body be my clock!
Eat only when my stomach churns,
drink only when my throat is dry,
sleep each time my eyelids fall.

I feel like leaping in the wind!
running like a boy!
laughing like a child!

and when the sun is setting...
when the sparrows cuddle in their nests,
When time seems to have passed so quickly,
an aperitif, perhaps?

Oh when France offers its graces,
One cannot help but just ... Be.

On my way to Cahors, France.

A baguette with fromage and prosciutto, a diet soda, eating on the floor of the gare d'auserlitz - they all contribute to a feeling.

a book to read, my journal to express, my camera to capture.


The view from my window were like post cards flying by. There was an ease...A peace so sweet.

A Classic Marco in Paris

I often go to Paris to live yesterday tomorrow.
Malcom Maclaren

My arrogant Paris

Paris, Paris, when you take him at face value, is an arrogant lover. But ignore Eiffel and all his monuments of vanity and you come upon a different Paris. Passionate, insatiable, forever discontented, and always longing to be loved. Like many of us, really.

Arrived Paris later than scheduled. It wasn't a good flight - cramp, nauseating, cold,... Or am I getting old and impatient?

Upon boarding the roissybus, I was biologically confused but I had to keep myself mentally awake to absorb everything, everything that surrounded me on, this, my second trip to Paris.

The minute the bus turned into the city, I lost the weariness. My Body shut up, my heart started beating, my mind churned.

Paris is indeed magical. It was made out of passion, with passion, and for the purpose of passion. It breathes love. Heaven has to look like this! Otherwise eternity won't be so attractive.

Got off the bus at the Opera Garniere. After the irritating burden of unloading luggages, I sat on the steps, gave out a subtle "whew" and looked up at the sky. It was grand. God really knows my need for drama...And he delivers :)

11:23 pm: PACKING SIYET!

- 3 classic cotton dress shirts (black, white, grey)
- 4 wash n wear pairs of pants (maong, black, khaki, white)
- 6 wash n wear sport shirts
- 3 undershirts (black, white, grey)
- sexiest undies
- socks
- 2 belts (black and white reversible & red)
- 1 black turtle neck
- 1 evening suit
- 1 sports jacket
- 1 hooded sweater
- 1 ube colored scarf ;)
- black loafers
- rubber shoes
- white uber chic driving shoes
- swimming trunks
- board shorts
- my journal
- a compact bible
- camera
- i pod shuffle
- tootbrush/ paste/ floss
- facial wash
- exfoliating scrub
- mosturizer
- toner
- condoms
- lube
- asthmador
- vitamins
- ticket
- passport
- wallet
- address book with the numbers of Pierre, Martin, Bogie, KC, Darra, Theophile, Ken, Chita, Julien.
- the spartacus guide
- and a determination to just watch the world go by and smile :)
im ready:)

Au Lac Hotel, Saigon 10:30 pm

I sit in my hotel room trying to find rest. I have been working so hard that my body has gotten so used to this annoying restlessness. Eating has become a necessary bore, sleep a luxury. If I really dig deep, I think i'd come to the common conclusion that I am suffering from that proverbial "doing a lot but feeling empty" syndrome. It's true, Man is strange, he always finds some reason to feel not good enough. I'm no exception! I should actually be the happiest man on earth - I have a great career thats looking up, My peers like me, my colleagues respect me, I am not lacking in suitors, I travel a lot, I have children to fill my life with laughter and meaning, I have GOD in my heart! I'm what aspirants call a self-actualized human being. So, why am I restless? why can't I be still and just be?... Whats bothering me tonight?

In retrospect, I spent most of my day in the editing room forming and curing the nth TV commercial of my fabulous career. I'm being catty to myself :/ As i watched what I was doing and listened to my agency creative director praise me for the good work I have been doing, I examined my own work and thought to myself, "thats good for you?...it's crap!". I suffer from fear of being mediocre. I habitually backslide towards self-chastisement. Silly. It's really silly. It's the devil whispering stupid stuff in my mind!

This sweet madness...this glorious sadness!

I think i just miss being in love.
But, I'm liking my freedom.

I think maybe i just miss home.
But, i love Saigon too.

I'm confused.
But, I know where I'm going

Stuff it...all will turn out good.

turning 44

La frenetre retaurant, Saigon, VietnamTurning 44 was a blur. I guess it was the amount of wine consumed :)

But i spent it with a bunch of great guys!

Happy Birthday to me :))))

She looked nervous on stage. She couldnt smile but her moves were right and she was graceful and pretty. while watching her, I thought to myself, "what a beautiful blessing it is to be able to help a child grow up properly - To develop confidence...feel secure that no matter what happens, someone will be there for her...to be compassioante towards others... value education...and faith in God."

Ballet recitals are always long and i can get very impatient, but I sat there for 2 and a half hours not minding it at all.

When she took her bow during curtain call and they announced her promtion, I could see her scanning the audience. I waved silly and when she saw me, a great big smile suddenly filled her tiny brown face.

Monina is my little girl. Not my daughter but my special little girl.

In the cab, still ih her blue and brown tutoo, she held my hand tight and fell asleep in my lap.

Bliss.

Pure.

Joy.

Gay pride was nothing to be proud of

I wish the earlier part of the evening drew longer. I was enjoying he intelligent conversation. I actually didn't want to leave the cafe :( but I had to pay homage to the queens of malate and he needed to go too :(

Malate : I dashed into Sala expecting the same same , and yes it was same same. Old friends. Much as I love them and am always amused at their conversation too, I feel I have outgrown that "Joan Collins" culture. I was immediately handed a goblet of red. Colin always serves the best :) I sat with him, his giddy boyfriend, and a fun aussie chap (who calls himself a traveler. Interesting.). On the other table were two of my exes and a former best friend of mine in college. Across from them were robert and the French contingency. While the heathen outside the restaurant was reeking with bench cologne and sweat, everything inside was all quiet civilized and pinky rosy. That's how they like it. I kinda prefer it that way too but seedy me wanted some dirt on my tight white tee :)

So, I managed to convince the divas to get rid of their heels, get their sneakers on and brave the crowd. I was in my chucks :) I later on figured it was a wrong move. It was way too crowded! It was pickpockets haven! persistent me, I tried pushing into the crowd determined to feel an energy that would make me want to drink myself mad and make out in public. But shit. I didn't feel any energy! I don't know. Have we ran out of exciting guys? Or have I lost my taste for such?

Whilst trying to negotiate my space between an over-fed vaklah who was wearing angel wings, and a seemingly belabored lesbian, I bumped into the head of the star cinema promo department. Roxy. Oh how he hugggggggged me! like he saw his resurrected mother! " oh direeeek! We are doing so great! Your movie is a hit!" In disbelief, I replied, "really? Are you sure?". I think he took that badly, like I didn't trust his judgment because he kinda just walked away. Oh well.

I tried a few more inches into the crowd. It was like doing it with a reluctant virgin! Inch by inch by inch slowly and gently. But nah. I gave up. I looked back and none of the divas had persisted along with me. So, I walked back and found them in Castro.

Now Castro was a bit of a high. The moment I entered the room, my name was flying all over the room! Everyone was congratulating me for a job well done on my movie. I was elated but I wondered to myself, " are they for real?". hmmmm I think IM really getting jaded. I ordered a cosmopolitan. Shit ang mahal! P240 friggin pesos for an alcohol shake! Two strange moments - 1. A drunk and hungry looking dude came up to me and insisted that i remember him. huh? He claims to have been the oncologist who came to my house one time. I sort of remember the oncologist but he didnt look like this guy! So I was polite. He proceeded to speak in tongues which sounded like he was talking about going to bed with me and that he was going home to his wife. Surreal.
2. A guy I had been flirting with in conexxion was there and he came up to me greeting me ever so warmly. "nice to see you out tonight" he said, I replied, " well , I do come out of the closet once in a while:)" and then he just walked away. Talk about sustaining a conversation. Oh well.

I needed some air and so I went out to the street again and there before me was a gay world- muscle marys, drag queens, shallow twinks, no conversations, each one trying to be like the other, no individual characters. For people who are proud to say that they are different, they are actually clones of each other and imitations of queer as folk. I stood there and wondered. Is this me? Is this where I belong? Its not so attractive is it? Then someone uttered, " lets go to government" and in 20 minutes I was there, hoping it would refresh the current page I was at.

The same. I met a guy named chase who claims I tried to flirt with him 6 years ago. huh? And I ran into some more muscle marys, divas, and yes, imitations of queer as folk.

Enough.

I could have gone home with chase. He asked me to wait but I just found myself slowly walking into the street and hailing a cab. I was thinking of my home. I was thanking of my little girl. I was thinking of someone I just met.

Brushed my teeth. Washed my face. Put on my youth preservation cream. And slept tightly. Peacefully. Away from the mad crowd. zzzzzzzzz.

GAY PRIDE.....hmmm.... is there anything we can really claim to be proud of? Lets try and re-think that term....Better yet, lets re-think the way we live our lives?

lost in my own town

They just released my first film.

While i am happy that the critics have said good things about it (not all but most), and it seems to be a box-office hit (one never really knows), I feel it is not yet THE movie ive always wanted to make...actually, i feel lost these days. I'm trying to figure out why.

I figured...

I'm personally not satisfied with the end product? Then again, Am I ever satisfied with my own work?

Maybe I am queasy about the industry that just gave me a big hug. it reeks of a cologne called insincerity. I've always been a medium-profile kinda guy who thinks BIG but likes to remain grounded - I like to cruise the malls alone, observe people over a cup of coffee, getting seedy in malate once in a while, doing crazy stuff in my private quarters, Or, on the brighter side, playing with my kids. I try to keep everything as real as possible. I can anever last a moment of pretense. I never imagined myself in this whole fantastic plastic world called showbizzzzz! with its put-on smiles, choreographed tears and hypocritical "praise God " lines. Madre de mi alma! If I was to be selfish, I'mm otta here.

But there is this inner voice that tells me i cannot back out now! I have a calling! Especially now that it seems that better quality films are moe appreciated and possible (with the introduction of digital films). I feel i was brought to this point to persevere and be part of the movement to put the pinoy genre gack in the world cinema map! whew...scary. How does one bring back the brilliance of Brocka, Mike de Leon and Gallaga without being drowned in lala land!?

Or maybe i'm eager to do a new and even better film but i'm getting anxiety attacks as to who can help me find or make a great material to do!?

SO HOW NOW?

I'm not a writer. I know others have more ground-breaking ideas. I need help.I am what the frensh would call a Visualist. Give me a good material and i will make sure the writer pees in his pants in delight at how it is translated in cinema.

BUT,

I'm a fine collaborator. I Iisten and i give em my darn best.

I'm able.

I'm not boxed in.

I guess i can try one more swing.

THIS recent film was merely my first. It's not THE ONE. I know there are better scrpits. I know i will someday do a film that i could really gloat in pride for (oooops pride is not good) but wadaheck! I just know brilliance will come out of this life!

Will my town like it?

Will they come and see it?

I dunno. I'm lost.

I'll try. And with God's strength, ...can do :)

THE ETHICS OF A GENTLE MAN

Ethics of a gentle man
When in a bar and wanting:
- Make sure your predatory mood is not obvious. Once you enter the place, Stand confidently in the middle of the room looking like you don't need to get laid (even if your idle hands are trembling). Make sure you are smiling and acknowledging everyone but DO NOT stare at anyone in particular (even if you see Brad Pitt by the bar!). Stand there long enough to be slightly obtrusive. While there, Scan the room for a place to nestle. Make sure the area you pick has good lighting and ample ventilation otherwise your freshness will wear out fast. Try out several places before you finally settle down.
- Settled in a cozy little corner now? now get a drink. DO NOT START CHECKING PEOPLE OUT YET! Keep your eyes on the bar and Just look at your glass. When you take your first sip, keep your gaze steadily at what you are drinking and THEN discreetly lift your eyes whilst turning around 360 degrees to scan the whole room. You must learn to do this in less than a minute! If the lighting and the crowd is not as bad as BED's, you should be able to spot a potential in one sweep. If not. Be patient. It's either they have not arrived yet or they may be in the toilet checking people out. Occasionally greet a friend or two and be sincere about your greetings. You are more transparent than you think.
- Once you have spotted a potential bait. Relax. If you are with a friend, tell him to take a hike. Order another drink. Relax. Repeat step 2 : eyes on the drink then slowly lift up to check him out. Then, stand there smiling at everyone. SINCERELY! Contrary to popular thinking, Having a grin on your face is not ugly as long as your eyes are not rolling. Be patient. Your radiance will shine through. Work on that sincere energy oozing out of you. Draw it from the heart. Think LOVE. Breathe deeply and think LOOOOOVE. Watch your potential bait carefully. See if he is deserving of your time . Once affirmed, STARE! NOW! AS IN REAALLLY STARE! WITH HAWK EYES...But smile...That's it...Sincerely.
- When he finally feels the electricity you are projecting across the room, he will look back at you. If he looks once, you have his attention, if he looks a second time, he is curious, if he looks a third time what the hell are you still doing standing there! GO FOR THE KILL!(note: If he doesn't look at all...To hell with him! Just go inward again and think...I am beautiful...Repeat it...I am beautiful...ummmmm...ummmmmm).
- A fourth glance back from the target man would be your cue to start basing yourself in his area of the room. Please make sure your right hand is not sweaty in preparation for a decent handshake, and that your lips are not chapped, pop a mint so your first breath is not stale. (Note: Do not Start wetting your lips or brushing your hair in public! If you feel a need for a touch up, discreetly slip into the men's room).
Now, Valuable tip: a good way to make sure you have his attention is to shift to another part of the room. Watch him. If he scans the room to look for you. You have it!
Once you are sure, WALK TOWARDS HIM NA! You can take that grin off your face now, walk slowly, non-chalantly and manly (Note: Internalize a suave disposition. Think Jude Law not Jude Estrada). Once you are half a meter away from him, smile...Sincerely! And try this:
Base 1>
You: Hi, I was wondering,...ummm (seem bashful) Why are you staring at me? (remember to smile)
Guy's Possible responses :
-huh? duh! Like what? Or Ano? Or Nyek! (should the man respond this way turn around and leave the bar immediately).
-Oh my god! Why, I wasn't noh! You ha! Your so presumido (should he be this way, you can stay, but prepare to be patient)
-Oh, I was just noticing that you were alone ( this is a hungry man and he just wants sex. Bite if you wish)
- Oh, pardon me but really,how can anyone not stare at you? (this is your dream man. Keep your composure)
- Oh, your radiance envelopes the chamber which I share with you. I think I love you...(this man may be Jeremy Barns, proceed with a grain of salt)
You: Not that it's an issue. I don't mind actually...I'm ( state your real name) and you are?
Guy : I'm (name)
You : Can I get you a drink? ( If he agrees, call the waiter and speak in a very humble manner. Do not start speaking like Joan Collins) Boss, may I have a gin tonic for (his name) over here...Salamat boss.
Base 2>
- Engage in niceties with him. Ask him questions and please sincerely listen to his answers. Look into his eyes and stop checking other guys out. Listen. Ask some more. Listen.
- Do not say much about yourself except your name, profession, and make sure he knows your alone (even if your not). Talk about funny things. Don't get too deep.
-Please do not indiscreetly slip your sweaty palms into his jeans in public, you don't know whets been in there lately and two, it is extremely distasteful!
- Do not attempt to kiss him! What you can do is while you are listening to him, draw your face very close to his so that you are cheek to cheek and your lips are brushing against his left ear when you respond. In this position, you can actually seem innocently listening to him but you can also steal a quick and discreet tender peck on the cheek when the time is right. A tender peck on the cheek is never offensive.
- After a few drinks. Start to look irritated at the crowd. Try to get his opinion and talk about it. Then go for the next base.
Base 3>
you: This place is wearing me out. Would you like to chill out somewhere else?
Possible repartee (assuming he's the guy of your dreams)
Guy: Sure. Where do you want to go?
You: wherever you will be comfy.
or
guy: Oh, I actually came with some friends but I'd like to get your number and we could continue this some time (this guy deserves a chance. Don't feel rejected)
you: great. Heresy my number.
or
guy: My place or yours? (be careful, this guy may turn out to be needy)
you: another bar perhaps?
Once your out of the smoke and loud music. Take a walk with him. Be quiet for a while. Be contemplative and think " do I want to have sex? Or a relationship?
If you feel he is for sex, say:
You: You know what, lets go to my place.
If you feel he is a potential partner:
You: You know what, I have a strange urge to see where this first night is going to bring us in the bigger scheme of things. Let's take a long walk in the bay? Have coffee? Watch people pass until the sun rises?..Then maybe meet up again tomorrow? For dinner?...Lets not hurry, we have a lifetime.
Then discreetly watch him blush and eat out of your hands :)
More tips to come :)