She looked nervous on stage. She couldnt smile but her moves were right and she was graceful and pretty. while watching her, I thought to myself, "what a beautiful blessing it is to be able to help a child grow up properly - To develop confidence...feel secure that no matter what happens, someone will be there for her...to be compassioante towards others... value education...and faith in God."

Ballet recitals are always long and i can get very impatient, but I sat there for 2 and a half hours not minding it at all.

When she took her bow during curtain call and they announced her promtion, I could see her scanning the audience. I waved silly and when she saw me, a great big smile suddenly filled her tiny brown face.

Monina is my little girl. Not my daughter but my special little girl.

In the cab, still ih her blue and brown tutoo, she held my hand tight and fell asleep in my lap.

Bliss.

Pure.

Joy.

Gay pride was nothing to be proud of

I wish the earlier part of the evening drew longer. I was enjoying he intelligent conversation. I actually didn't want to leave the cafe :( but I had to pay homage to the queens of malate and he needed to go too :(

Malate : I dashed into Sala expecting the same same , and yes it was same same. Old friends. Much as I love them and am always amused at their conversation too, I feel I have outgrown that "Joan Collins" culture. I was immediately handed a goblet of red. Colin always serves the best :) I sat with him, his giddy boyfriend, and a fun aussie chap (who calls himself a traveler. Interesting.). On the other table were two of my exes and a former best friend of mine in college. Across from them were robert and the French contingency. While the heathen outside the restaurant was reeking with bench cologne and sweat, everything inside was all quiet civilized and pinky rosy. That's how they like it. I kinda prefer it that way too but seedy me wanted some dirt on my tight white tee :)

So, I managed to convince the divas to get rid of their heels, get their sneakers on and brave the crowd. I was in my chucks :) I later on figured it was a wrong move. It was way too crowded! It was pickpockets haven! persistent me, I tried pushing into the crowd determined to feel an energy that would make me want to drink myself mad and make out in public. But shit. I didn't feel any energy! I don't know. Have we ran out of exciting guys? Or have I lost my taste for such?

Whilst trying to negotiate my space between an over-fed vaklah who was wearing angel wings, and a seemingly belabored lesbian, I bumped into the head of the star cinema promo department. Roxy. Oh how he hugggggggged me! like he saw his resurrected mother! " oh direeeek! We are doing so great! Your movie is a hit!" In disbelief, I replied, "really? Are you sure?". I think he took that badly, like I didn't trust his judgment because he kinda just walked away. Oh well.

I tried a few more inches into the crowd. It was like doing it with a reluctant virgin! Inch by inch by inch slowly and gently. But nah. I gave up. I looked back and none of the divas had persisted along with me. So, I walked back and found them in Castro.

Now Castro was a bit of a high. The moment I entered the room, my name was flying all over the room! Everyone was congratulating me for a job well done on my movie. I was elated but I wondered to myself, " are they for real?". hmmmm I think IM really getting jaded. I ordered a cosmopolitan. Shit ang mahal! P240 friggin pesos for an alcohol shake! Two strange moments - 1. A drunk and hungry looking dude came up to me and insisted that i remember him. huh? He claims to have been the oncologist who came to my house one time. I sort of remember the oncologist but he didnt look like this guy! So I was polite. He proceeded to speak in tongues which sounded like he was talking about going to bed with me and that he was going home to his wife. Surreal.
2. A guy I had been flirting with in conexxion was there and he came up to me greeting me ever so warmly. "nice to see you out tonight" he said, I replied, " well , I do come out of the closet once in a while:)" and then he just walked away. Talk about sustaining a conversation. Oh well.

I needed some air and so I went out to the street again and there before me was a gay world- muscle marys, drag queens, shallow twinks, no conversations, each one trying to be like the other, no individual characters. For people who are proud to say that they are different, they are actually clones of each other and imitations of queer as folk. I stood there and wondered. Is this me? Is this where I belong? Its not so attractive is it? Then someone uttered, " lets go to government" and in 20 minutes I was there, hoping it would refresh the current page I was at.

The same. I met a guy named chase who claims I tried to flirt with him 6 years ago. huh? And I ran into some more muscle marys, divas, and yes, imitations of queer as folk.

Enough.

I could have gone home with chase. He asked me to wait but I just found myself slowly walking into the street and hailing a cab. I was thinking of my home. I was thanking of my little girl. I was thinking of someone I just met.

Brushed my teeth. Washed my face. Put on my youth preservation cream. And slept tightly. Peacefully. Away from the mad crowd. zzzzzzzzz.

GAY PRIDE.....hmmm.... is there anything we can really claim to be proud of? Lets try and re-think that term....Better yet, lets re-think the way we live our lives?

lost in my own town

They just released my first film.

While i am happy that the critics have said good things about it (not all but most), and it seems to be a box-office hit (one never really knows), I feel it is not yet THE movie ive always wanted to make...actually, i feel lost these days. I'm trying to figure out why.

I figured...

I'm personally not satisfied with the end product? Then again, Am I ever satisfied with my own work?

Maybe I am queasy about the industry that just gave me a big hug. it reeks of a cologne called insincerity. I've always been a medium-profile kinda guy who thinks BIG but likes to remain grounded - I like to cruise the malls alone, observe people over a cup of coffee, getting seedy in malate once in a while, doing crazy stuff in my private quarters, Or, on the brighter side, playing with my kids. I try to keep everything as real as possible. I can anever last a moment of pretense. I never imagined myself in this whole fantastic plastic world called showbizzzzz! with its put-on smiles, choreographed tears and hypocritical "praise God " lines. Madre de mi alma! If I was to be selfish, I'mm otta here.

But there is this inner voice that tells me i cannot back out now! I have a calling! Especially now that it seems that better quality films are moe appreciated and possible (with the introduction of digital films). I feel i was brought to this point to persevere and be part of the movement to put the pinoy genre gack in the world cinema map! whew...scary. How does one bring back the brilliance of Brocka, Mike de Leon and Gallaga without being drowned in lala land!?

Or maybe i'm eager to do a new and even better film but i'm getting anxiety attacks as to who can help me find or make a great material to do!?

SO HOW NOW?

I'm not a writer. I know others have more ground-breaking ideas. I need help.I am what the frensh would call a Visualist. Give me a good material and i will make sure the writer pees in his pants in delight at how it is translated in cinema.

BUT,

I'm a fine collaborator. I Iisten and i give em my darn best.

I'm able.

I'm not boxed in.

I guess i can try one more swing.

THIS recent film was merely my first. It's not THE ONE. I know there are better scrpits. I know i will someday do a film that i could really gloat in pride for (oooops pride is not good) but wadaheck! I just know brilliance will come out of this life!

Will my town like it?

Will they come and see it?

I dunno. I'm lost.

I'll try. And with God's strength, ...can do :)