I hastily entitled this blog LOST IN MY HOMETOWN almost a year ago when I started it. At that time I really didn't know what it meant to me except that I felt that at that point in time, I wanted to move on...Doing more movies? Another location? Another life? In short, that title didn't mean much.
BUT, today I deem it uncanny that it seems to be a really apt title for how I feel about my life here in Manila - I'm home but I feel lost.
I wonder why I am more in my elements when I'm abroad?
My happiest and most fulfilling moments in life have been during my travels.
My most victorious shoots (for ads) have been abroad.
I am most relaxed when walking a street I know nothing of.
I find it most enjoyable when I'm talking to someone I have just met and belongs to a totally different world.
I am most inspired outside of my own realm. Abroad.
Is it simply because there I am not faced with the issues of home? You see, when IM there, I know it's a temporary stay and so I take things as they come. I have work to do, I work. I have nothing to do, I lounge. I have too much to do, I do em and do em well. At the end of the day, I take a good meal, relax and not think of other issues in my life primarily because I cannot do anything about them (well, being away from home and all). Done. Next. Life seems easier. BUT, Here at home, Everyday I am faced with issues about the house, the kids, expenses, mortgages, my career in Philippine movies, love life (or the lack of it), Even "nothing to do" is a strain because I want something to do to keep my thoughts away from the realities! whew!
Or is it also because I feel more appreciated by my creative peers abroad than here in my own country? There, creative directors from all over the world LOVE the work I do for them and they express it through constancy of works! Here, I feel like I'm last priority or pahabol na request. Is this feeling valid? Maybe I'm being silly and depressed?
The truth is, I drive the streets feeling like I shouldn't be here. Like there must be a better place for me. I feel like being in a cleaner place, a more orderly place, a more developed place, a more productive atmosphere. Or am I being silly and depressed?
I think I'm just depressed.
God willing, I may not feel like this about my beloved home by tomorrow?
Who knows.
