sieze and persist!

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot write" then by all means write, and that voice will be silenced < paraphrased from Vincent Van Gough's journals

Past few days, I find that I need to drag myself to write. I say to myself, maybe I'm not really cut out to be a writer?...maybe i'm better off just doing what i do best?...visualizing the words...bringing internal and abstract ideas to real palpable life...

But, lame is the director who does not challenge his mind to use his imagination and create stories!...will he spend his whole life interpretting other people's scripts?

I think maybe I'm just distracted with other "life issues" - career concerns, matters of the ego, financial needs and wants,...ugh. God please release me from these futile bondages!

I need to write now!

I need to persist.

I need to fulfill this for him^.

Money, God..at buhay freelance

I woke up today thinking of the common things in life...BILLS...I realize that I have to crack open my hard-kept savings soon becasue i need to meet next months needs. While I am always thankful that I am never without, and that I even have the luxury of savings, I am often apprehensive about touching what i'm keeping for the future, but, at a certain point, we just have to.

Hayup! ang bilis ng pera! kahit pa lahat ng gastos nasa lugar, ang bilis pa rin!

As I contemplated and conciously tried to make all the fear go away, these thoughts spilled onto my journal:

God is the source of all.

What is given to you is meant to just flow through you. It is not meant to be stored and ammassed so you can enjoy it someday. It is meant to be enjoyed NOW towards living, loving, and giving. It is meant to help you live a good life the way God intends for you to live - ABUNDANTLY!

Ofcourse it flows out quickly! Because its coming from a great source and is intended to flow though you and on to others! It's not meant to stop with you! You are blessed so you can bless others, who can bless others and so on...If you put a stop to the flow, naturally the source will have to stop pouring into your pool! you will simply drown! and he knows that drowining in too much is never good for anyone.

I should stop worrying. Period.

LIVE. LOVE. GIVE.

and as long as his blessings are spent on good things, we should be ok.

Hay, buhay freelance :) masarap na mahirap :) parang life :)

Star ka ba?

Lately i've learned not to take my life all too seriously. I still hold on to my dreams. I still passionately work towards realizing them, I still give every job my best shot but i've realized that life will be the way God planned it to be - a series of problem solving situations and waiting tests. As to why we need to go through so much to find our peace is beyond me. I just revert to thinking they're meant to make me stronger and wiser.

Simple-minded thinking? I guess, but then the simple-minded ones are those that easily find their peace right? besides, I believe that simplicity is good, its igonrance that we should avoid.

But, being back in Manila for two weeks now, I'm starting to feel that "rat race mentality" again. I dont know why I only feel it here but when I talk to people, I really feel that everyone's out to outdo each other. Those on the top of the wheel gloat, others in the middle get fired up, some pretend to be strong, the ones in the bottom do nothing but compalin. One thing common to most - depression.

So, today, i had to remind myself of some things...

No matter How good you are at what you do, there will always be someone better, more brilliant, and "savvier" than you. Accept that! There will even be the crap of the crop who seem to be beating you in the race! It's sad, it's real. But to keep your eyes on them is to slow down your own progress! To even turn your head to see if they are shinning brighter or moving faster is a waste of time! Like life itself, Every creative person's journey is personal and unique. In the memorable words of my dear friend Migs, "Some are bright shooting stars who shine brilliantly and fast...then there are those constellations that take centuries to develop". keep your eyes on your own canvas, look around only to be inspired by the brilliance of others, without the stain of envy or jelousy. Then with great passion and unceasing enthusiasm, keep moving towards that dream that God himself has planted in your heart. Take it easy. Theres no need to hurry the process because haste makes waste. In good time, your passion will shine...and even if fame or fortune evades you, Don't fret, one day you will find you peace in being a shinning constellation forever, while the shooting stars have inevitably fizzled out.

I will finish this script. it will be done well.

I will make another movie. I will do better than my last one.

But I will live out my own journey as God wills it...in his own time...for his own purposes.

*Photo : I took this at the Fringe Arts festival in Edinburgh 2007. This boy was an important inspiration. His selfless passion for what he was doing was moving.

LONDON home for now

Were staying at a flat in West Kensington that is of my distant cousin-in-law Gina’s. She’s gracious to have us. Now a jewelry designer (who has been chosen to exhibit at the London fashion week this year), I had known her since the 70’s as the eccentric fag-haggy one who has lived in London most of her adult life but I never really knew till now that she is an artist herself and, true to being an artist, an incessant pack rat with a flat full of interesting books, cds, magazines, paintings and rummaged artifacts. Going through her flat is a bit like going through Lola’s old baul with curious things that all have a story. There is no order to anything, No symmetry to arrangements, but it’s thick with character. Ito yata yung tinatawag ni mareng Marlon na shabby chic? Our host left the flat to us as she is in Paris at the moment and may head on to Umbria for the summer daw. God, please stop me from re-decorating this flat! I might get evicted!

This is home for 8 weeks…mighty fine.

Good room. Great kitchen.Place to study. Peace and quite. God provides :)

LONDON blurred arrival

Arrived London early morning of the 2nd and quite frankly, everythings a blur. I'm here to take up a 6 week course on screenwriting at the LONDON ACADEMY FOR FILM AND TV...just sharpening my pen while i go on holiday ;) Incidentally, mah bubba is also taking up a course in make up for TV and Film :)

First impressions? Not stunning but buzzing with life :)

So, heto na...God save the queen!

PS. wish ko sana na hindi isipin ng mga nakaka-basa dito na napaka-yaman ko...pinag ipunan ko po itong trip na ito ng dalawang taon :) kahit ano naman makakamit sa konting bawas-labas :)

SEX and GOD

Sexuality sits on the lap of the soul, deep in the deepest chamber of our being. It is the precious offspring of the heart and soul, the symbol of their capacity to express love. Like a precious Child, a gift from God, It is not something that can be abandoned, denied, or exchanged for another! Rather, It must be nurtured and allowed to express itself freely, to reach it's fullest! Nevertheless, however, It should not be allowed to lose its way nor, worse, given away carelessly, for it is a precious God-given gift made for the purpose of expressing his will of FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE.

So please, My zealous Christian brothers and sisters, do not tell me that in order to be right with God and receive eternal salvation, I have to deny myself of my true sexuality?! I have to Ignore the true emotions That have been born in the deepest recesses of my self? and pretend to be what you call "normal"? Might I kill the myth now, For most cases, BEING GAY IS NOT A MATTER OF CHOICE! THIS IS NOT A DEFIANCE OF NORM! NOT A REBELLION AGAINST SOCIETY AND GOD! I, for one, have clearly realized that I am gay not by a conscious choice I made at some point in my life but by God’s will! YES! GOD'S WILL! Who else could have determined hormonal predisposition but our creator! Who else could have allowed environmental influences but our creator! Therefore, not one of you mortal and fallible zealots can tell me that God is displeased with me for being the way he created me to be?! neither can you claim that I am under the influence of the devil. If you have not yet realized, God is perfect! One, He will not create something and then, years after, frown and say, “hmm, you’re a mistake so ill have to throw you into the fire”.Two, He will not allow any of those he loves to be under the cruel influence of the devil! God is bigger and mightier than anything! My dear brothers and sisters, Please, know OUR God more! Not only in form but also in substance!

I urge you zealots, review the basic precepts of Christianity,thoroughly and deeply, leaving out man-made rules and prejudiced beliefs, See that it's pure essence simply says that God's love is sooo deep that he has the unfathomable capacity to accept us for who we are, and, That the reason why Christ died on the cross was to allow us to be ourselves as we are without the burden of guilt (from the law)...in order for us to concentrate on loving him, loving others, and living a good life according to his unique purposes for us.

You always throw the line, “Let the old die and the new you arise, for with Christ’s death, your old self has died too”. Might I stress, my being gay is not my “old self”, It is my true self – always have been always will be. What God meant about our “old self” were the evils that developed in our early immaturities – selfishness, pride, lust, greed, and all that does not agree with his ultimate will of LOVE. Why of course I am most willing to turn from all that is evil! Of course my aim in life is to evolve into the kind of person God wants me to be! Of course I aim to turn from my former irresponsible ways! But do not tell me that with all that I must throw my sexuality into the trash bin too! My sexuality is not sin! In the same way that yours is not! It only becomes so when we use it to abuse! Pardon my humanity but I cannot deny the world around me of the truth. I cannot live a lie. I know God would be more displeased about that. I dare you staunch gay Christians to turn from your sexuality, pretend you don’t feel the things that you feel, marry a woman if you please! I will respect you for your bravery! And I know that God will appreciate your effort. But when all is said and done, lets talk in heaven and see if that was all that necessary. I may be proven wrong but hey, while I’m here, I’d rather live imperfectly in truth, than live pretending to be perfect.

Please do not use God to escape from your true self.

With God , WE are free to be who we really are. WE ARE INCLUDED IN HIS PLAN.