lost in my own town

They just released my first film.

While i am happy that the critics have said good things about it (not all but most), and it seems to be a box-office hit (one never really knows), I feel it is not yet THE movie ive always wanted to make...actually, i feel lost these days. I'm trying to figure out why.

I figured...

I'm personally not satisfied with the end product? Then again, Am I ever satisfied with my own work?

Maybe I am queasy about the industry that just gave me a big hug. it reeks of a cologne called insincerity. I've always been a medium-profile kinda guy who thinks BIG but likes to remain grounded - I like to cruise the malls alone, observe people over a cup of coffee, getting seedy in malate once in a while, doing crazy stuff in my private quarters, Or, on the brighter side, playing with my kids. I try to keep everything as real as possible. I can anever last a moment of pretense. I never imagined myself in this whole fantastic plastic world called showbizzzzz! with its put-on smiles, choreographed tears and hypocritical "praise God " lines. Madre de mi alma! If I was to be selfish, I'mm otta here.

But there is this inner voice that tells me i cannot back out now! I have a calling! Especially now that it seems that better quality films are moe appreciated and possible (with the introduction of digital films). I feel i was brought to this point to persevere and be part of the movement to put the pinoy genre gack in the world cinema map! whew...scary. How does one bring back the brilliance of Brocka, Mike de Leon and Gallaga without being drowned in lala land!?

Or maybe i'm eager to do a new and even better film but i'm getting anxiety attacks as to who can help me find or make a great material to do!?

SO HOW NOW?

I'm not a writer. I know others have more ground-breaking ideas. I need help.I am what the frensh would call a Visualist. Give me a good material and i will make sure the writer pees in his pants in delight at how it is translated in cinema.

BUT,

I'm a fine collaborator. I Iisten and i give em my darn best.

I'm able.

I'm not boxed in.

I guess i can try one more swing.

THIS recent film was merely my first. It's not THE ONE. I know there are better scrpits. I know i will someday do a film that i could really gloat in pride for (oooops pride is not good) but wadaheck! I just know brilliance will come out of this life!

Will my town like it?

Will they come and see it?

I dunno. I'm lost.

I'll try. And with God's strength, ...can do :)