Quiet time, a breezy night, good company and fireworks is all it takes:)

I thought that I was falling into a bad spell of what Winston Churchill called the "black dog". That dog scares the hell out of me! I'm reminded of days spent sitting overanalysing life and sinking deeper and deeper into a sorry state. In my 30's, I had spells that lasted for months! Spells that called for a shrink. Futile. Futile depression.

I first suspected that the dog was in the premises just a few days before coming back to Manila. I woke up, after a naughty night, lethargic and my levels of insecurity were fever high. Not my usual self, believe me. I tried shooing it away by sweating it out at the gym but a muscle work out cant cure a malaise of the soul. The soul is too deep.

Arriving home in Manila cured it for a while. Being with Monina and getting the house ready for the holidays got my mind off things. For a bit of time only. And then when the excitement of "welcome home!" died down, there it was again, strutting into my senses determined to drag me down. One morning, in it's fiercest attack, I felt fluish, I didn't want to get up and see anybody, and when I thought of having to go out and meet people, all I could see in my mind were insincere faces. Awful. Unexplainable.

Seeing Wanggo was elixir. That night, no matter how a certain matter turned out, was a sure winner that week. The moon was bright, the wine was good, and as usual, the conversation was anything but boring. It was also a great to have a heart to heart talk with an old friend chico. But, the next morning, there it was again. Worse than ever.

I had to get down on my knees and dig deep for the peace I needed at that point. I had to ask God. I had to beg. Fervently.

I got the answers. He always has one. It was about WANT & NEED.

after mass last Sunday, where many questions were answered (or had been there all the time except I couldn't get the point!) I met up with Chico, Farrah, and good ol' Topper. There was something about that night. It didn't tingle with too much sensation but just proceeded with so much silent warmth. The kind of warmth I needed. The breeze was wonderful and the fireworks display made me smile quietly.

Sometimes, we chew too much on our WANTS Like a dog would uselessly chew on a dry bone. We allow ourselves to be consumed by our dreams and what we feel we need in order to have JOY. We go around telling ourselves and the world, "I will only be happy if______ I have this, I get that, i achieve al that" In truth, WANT is like a dry bone! No matter how much you chew on it, you wont get meat out of it.

"If your ship never comes in, If your dream never comes true, If the situation never changes, could you be happy? "

I've thrown that dry bone as far as I could and the ghastly black dog has chased after it :) and although I still have certain longings in my heart, I wake up each day...Free.

Thank God.

*a boy's pout at beauty of venice, 2005